all shapes and sizes. Sometimes it's in the form of a spotty 13-year old boy not asking you to slowdance at your first school disco, sometimes it's losing that grandparent who made you feel like the most precious thing since Barbie found Ken, and sometimes, heartbreak comes in the form of a nine-month old, 4-kilogram pavement special puppy called Ellie.
This time last week I experienced a new brand of heartbreak, the kind I had never experienced before and would rather not (although it's probably inevitable that I will) experience again. Last Monday, Ellie 'Bean' Winderley – my friend, my companion and my Vitamin Water bottle-chewing, cheese-addicted shadow – set off on an adventure that was to be her last in my world. The details are not important... many tears have been shed wondering 'why?' and wishing that life had a rewind button. What is important is that out of even the crappiest situations there are opportunities to learn... I know I sound a little 'Oprah' but bear with me while I explain:
Lesson 1: Some of life's little blessings are just 'on loan' to us
What's struck me most about the past week is the irony of the fact that I called myself a 'pet owner'. You see, Ellie wasn't a possession and I didn't own her. She trotted across my path with her cute little paws and I had the privilege of her company for seven months. There was never a guarantee that she'd be waking me up with licks or taking chunks out of the coffee table for years to come. She was 'on loan' to me – as quickly as she made her grand entrance, she made her very sad exit. I am choosing not to focus on the beginning and the end bits, I'm trying to let the middle bits pull me through, 'cos let's face it – it's the middle bits that count.
Lesson 2: Spontaneous decisions can be some of the best you ever make
Never once have I regretted the decision hubby and I made (while driving back from a wedding in the Midlands) to go via Lonehill and give an 8-week old, rescue puppy a home. Yes, we live in a loft. Yes, we don't have grass. Yes, having a puppy is a huge responsibility. And, yes, in retrospect, we didn't have a clue what we were getting ourselves into. But would I do it differently? Absolutely not. Our home simply wasn't a home until our suede couch had been widdled on and hubby's favourite golf book chewed to shreds (I think Ellie was craving more fibre in her diet).
Lesson 3: It's scary to realise how much you can love, but amazing to realise how much you are loved
While I was having my seventh tearful breakdown last Tuesday (all before 10am) I was also having my third hug for the day (from my über fabulous office-sharer), receiving my tenth 'thinking of you' SMS (from the in-laws) and holding tightly to a great big bunch of 'didn't know what to say, so I got you these' yellow roses. I thought people would find my tears silly, I thought people wouldn't understand how I could be so, so, so heartsore over the loss of a pet... wow, did I think wrong. The love and support and kindness and empathy has been so much more than comforting, it's been inspirational.
Lesson 4: Never say 'never again'...
This lesson came from an unexpected source. I had dinner with my friend from the west last Wednesday, I was 48 hours into my grief so, as you can imagine, was hardly a little ray of sunshine. Thankfully, she's such a good friend that she let me be miserable and let me eat pretty much all of her Spring rolls (my appetite decided to come back) and even managed to say something that I will carry with me in the cool little memories part of my brain for a long, long time...
Me: *sniff, sniff* [reaching for another napkin] "I just feel really stupid for having let myself get so attached, for having loved her so much. Sure, I'd like to get another puppy one day, but next time I don't think it's wise for me to love something so much"
Miss Westrand: [handing me my wine glass] "You'll get another puppy, Shez. And, you'll love it just as much, if not more, than you loved Ellie. It's in your nature, you love completely, you don't do half-arsed."
And that, my readers, is the truth. If we protected ourselves from potentially getting hurt, from having our hearts broken, we'd never get the good stuff, the 'great big goofy grin' stuff. Getting our hearts broken isn't fun but it's one of the only con's next to a looooooong list of pro's that go hand-in-hand with doing silly things like giving your puppy a middle name.
So, Ellie 'Bean' Winderley, thanks for the memories. Thank you for giving hubby & I our first experience of our family, thank you for turning me into a morning person, thank you for getting me out of the house and into the park, thank you for teaching me which 4-star resorts are pet-friendly, and thank you for leaving a paw-shaped mark on my heart, which is bigger for having had you in it!
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