What I wouldn't do for a...

steaming hot, delightfully frothy Woolies Red latte with two white sugars right now *oh-woe-is-me sigh*. You see, somewhere between my last blog post (and yes, I know I've been shirking my duties as of late) and today I have managed to get myself on a meat-free, dairy-free, wheat-free, (practically) carb-free and (gasp!) wine-free eating plan. I know, can you spell 'i-n-s-a-n-i-t-y'?!?

grape-free expectations

The wine was always on the cards. It had to go. I had to give up something I would really miss for lent... and anyone who knows me, knows that I love (yes, I use that term thoughtfully) LOVE a chilled glass of Sauvignon Blanc every now and then. When my mom asked what I was giving up for lent and I answered 'wine', she responded by bursting out into laughter (true story). This reaction was partly because I'm not sure she knew I was being serious and partly because lent (the 40-day run up to Easter) falls over my birthday – a day that I like to use as an excuse to drink a bottle of the good stuff (a.k.a the stuff with a price tag that makes hubby a little nauseous). In all seriousness, giving up the vino is a small, really insignificant price to pay for my real birthday present which I am thankful for every year – my salvation. And it wouldn't be such a cause of trauma for me, except that somewhere along the way I decided to give up meat, too...

meat-free, cow-free and no, I didn't expect it to last either

Let me start by saying that soya is not my friend and anyone who tells you that soy milk tastes almost like the real thing, or that vegetarian sausages are as good as a piece of boerewors sizzled to perfection on a braai, should be hooked up to lie detector and brought to justice pronto! How did I get to this point? Well, my mom went on a course based on The China Study and convinced me to join her on a ten-day meat-free, cow-free, caffeine-free challenge. I do like a challenge and happily signed on, unhappily completed it and then begrudgingly admitted that I felt so good as a result that I decided to extend the challenge. A month into this little experiment, I have come to the conclusion that meat alternatives are not really alternatives, they're just stand-ins for the gap on your plate that used to be occupied by something golden, crispy or medium rare. All that being said, with every passing day I miss meat less and less... and that, dear readers, is as shocking for me to write as it is for my lambchop-loving hubby to read. However, not quite so shocking as going... all the good stuff on any menu anywhere-free 

So long pasta, farewell pizza, au revoir croissants and totsiens koeksisters, this sister is giving up anything with more than 5-grams of carbs (basically everything baked) for 8 weeks in pursuit of the results that a couple of friends (Mia & Motsumi's 'new and improved' parents) have achieved. I'm talking healthy, toned sustained flab loss... the kind of results that my well-disguised abs have dreamt of but never thought possible. It's a three-step eating plan and the practically carb-free first phase is gonna be tough, but oh, how sweet will that penne arrabiata (Jamie Oliver's version of the classic) taste in phase three when carbs cross the enemy line and we are once again re-united just in time for winter! In the meantime I'll have to settle for a fridge full of butter (yes, proper butter), piles of avocados, stacks of hummus, and enough green vegetables to send Bugs Bunny  into a jealous rage. Don't feel too sorry for me... yesterday I read every food label, did the necessary maths and piled my trolley high with antipasto, cream cheese, olive tapenade, mixed nuts and infused olive oils – all 100% allowed on this new eating plan. 

the back-up plan

Just in case I fall off the carb-free wagon before my 8 weeks is up, Motsumi's mom shared her secret weapon with me – a Ferrero Ronde Noir – basically, when I get the urge to eat my way through Rosebank's Fournos Bakery one crumb-covered mouthful at a time, I can reach for one of these... guilt-free. Apparently, one Ronde Noir meets the 'per meal' 5-gram (carbs minus fibre = allowance). So, if everything else above this paragraph seems a little, um, nuts... then at least the next time you find yourself strolling down the chocolate aisle you'll know which decadent treat is isn't actually that decadent after all. 

Got a comment? Ever given up any of the above and lived to tell the tale? I'd love to here your stories of 'plate politics'...